[Written 8/15/12 and never posted]
So again this morning, I was feeling so distant from God. I’m not even going to say that I have no idea why, because that would be a lie. I try to be as honest as I can be in my posts without putting myself or anyone else at risk, so I will confess that I haven’t read my bible all week. I haven’t gotten down on my knees and prayed not one time in the past 7 days. This I know for FACT. I’ve been communicating with God constantly: as I get out of bed in the morning; as I take my shower; I tell him good morning when the sunlight first hits directly upon my face; I pray when I get to my desk; we discuss who he needs to keep me from jumping on at work when folks get on my nerves; I praise him for helping me make it thru my day; I’m grateful for the peace in my bedroom; and I always say Thank you Lord, when I lay down at night. But even in all that communication, I haven’t worshipped God. I haven’t given him the praise due.
God has been teaching me that the less time I spend thinking about myself, the more time and in more concrete ways will he be glorified. I have yet again been battling with my birth control that I take. It’s weird because when this hirsute warfare hits me, it’s so powerful, it scares me. And I know, God has not given me a spirit of fear. I know that I am not supposed to be afraid, but that doesn’t help me become any less fearful. In truth, I don’t know what God wants me to do about the hirsuitism. I’ve been praying about this off & on for well over 10 YEARS. And I can’t say if it will ever be resolved.
As an avid reader, I love stories. I love happy endings in everything. And one of my all-time favorite stories is the biblical story of the ‘Woman with the Issue of Blood’. I feel like a kid sometimes because I think of all the people in the bible, I’m most-like her. I can relate to her tribulation in having a battle going on inside of her that she cannot control. Given to sometimes trust man over God, I’ve done the medical specialists; I’ve done the treatments that didn’t work. I’ve spent the money that I didn’t have, gone into debt, to only have a doctor tell you, they have no idea what the issue is, but it could be this, it could be that.. more testing is necessary they say, which again takes more money.
I know several women who suffer .. nope, wrong word… I know so many women, just like me, who endure hormonal issues. We talk about it in the shadowy sister-circle meetings that we have when one of us confesses to having it and it allows the space for others to be honest, that have it too! All of us are ashamed and embarrassed about some secondary affect of our hormone imbalance. We may smile casually about the topic, we give our own testimony about what we’ve endured (which could range from benefits like being able to easily lose weight, to unfavorable circumstances that include losing the ability to have children). Even with some women expressing their concerns in a space of love and support, many never say anything at all. They assume that no one can relate to what they are going thru. They assume that no one understands. And so many of us sit in silence.
Well, here I am this morning, feeling frustrated about God manifesting what I’ve coined “my miracle” and I’m reminded of the sermon that my pastor preached yesterday. Essentially the sermon was about God’s people knowing and having surety in the power of the blood of Christ. Not your momma’s blood, not sista-homegirl’s blood, not old dude you used to chill with back in the day, but the powerful blood of The Lamb. He said in his sermon that “ when you know about the blood, it doesn’t matter what the enemy will bring”. And while my pastor is ministering on the prophecy of David Wilkerson and the upcoming riots, sit-ins, uproars in the schools nationwide, with Martial Law as the day-to-day regulator of the chaos, the only thing I’m thinking about is me! He reads from Revelation 12: 11 that says: “And they overcome him by the blood of the lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death”. It’s funny because sometimes I feel so upset that my pastor is ministering on something specific, and I completely take a whole different turn with the lesson, but after a week of not spending time with God, and the enemy sneaking in with thoughts of worry, strife and confusion, I appreciate God speaking in a way to draw me back to the truth of the matter in whole; My truth. That the blood of Jesus Christ has given me (and everyone else that believes on him) complete release. I can overcome anything because I am covered by the blood of the lamb. The enemy (whether that enemy lives inside my organs/bloodstream, or if he is manifesting himself in the natural with people at war with each other) – the enemy will not prevail.
Medically speaking, I feel as though there has to be an answer. There will always be resolve somehow. Whether I have babies or not. Somehow there will be a way to pinpoint what the issue is. But again, that’s me talking. And at the end of the day: what do I really know, anyhow? As I meditate on the sermon and look at my notes, I find myself in 1 Peter 1:6-9 which solidifies for me that should rejoice because I will also receive the end of my faith as the woman with the issue of blood did. That same chapter emphasizes my redemption wasn’t paid with any old earthly thing, I won’t be healed with topical medicines and earthly solutions that man will give, my wholeness/completeness was given thru the precious blood of Jesus Christ as of a lamb without blemish and without spot (verse18-19).
I often wonder sometimes if men secretly battle with health issues like women do. It amazes me that God made man first, but it’s the secondary, upgraded high-performance models (LOL, we women!) that seem to be having the most-complications. And I understand that for women to be charged with more responsibilities, a duty specifically all their own (ie: to birth out nations)– that issues may arise, but I wonder sometimes why some women are tried in such a way. It’s such an all-encompassing trial. A very tiring, trying one. But that statement gives power to the enemy doesn’t it? I know better, and I aim to do better.
Everyday I’m grateful for revelation. Everyday I appreciate God showing me his truth about my life, and not what I’ve deemed to be true. As I continue to grow, my prayer is that just like in the book of Mark, the woman with the issue of blood’s testimony will also match that of my own. On a lighter note: I think its funny because Mark, Matthew and Luke all give an account of the same woman’s story, but I think that Mark gives the best account of the three! Luke does okay, but he’s not as thorough as Mark is. And yet still Mark & Luke’s accounts were both 10xs better than Matthew. Dude barely even mentions this woman’s story. I feel like he throws it in there as if it’s an after-thought. I’ll give him credit, he mentions it, but to him, all that girlie stuff.. it’s not that big of a deal: typical man of course! *wink*J
But oh, if he only knew how BIG OF A DEAL it really is….
Stay in faith & Keep smiling ladies!