As many of you all know—I desire to be married. Really, I do. In a very earnest and sincere way. But I’ve recently challenged myself to compare my life today as Eve Un-Yoked to how it would be if I had “the infamous ring” resting on my left hand.
What happens if/when I get married? How does my life change? What would I do differently? What would I see and understand differently?
People always says that you’re never prepared for marriage. Marriage is something that you learn how to do. You have to learn how to be a good wife. He will learn how to be a husband. It takes work. It takes a lifetime of learning. I get it. I understand. But after a recent conversation with a married friend I had to ask myself:
“Eve, are you really ready to carry the Weight of the Ring?”
TIME/TIME MANAGEMENT & MONEY TOO!
I get up at 4:30 every morning. Primarily because it gives me time to do what I need to in order to be out of the house by 6:45. And honestly, I’m still rushing after a 2 hour-15min morning routine! That morning, with the weight of my ring on my mind, I’m running late. its typical. I’ve just got to be on I-485 by 7:30 or I’ll definitely be late. I get in the car thinking to myself Heck, if it takes me this long to get dressed and out the door, I cannot imagine having little people to be responsible for. I’d never make school or work on time.
I get to work. I’m busy—always am. As I open my drawer to grab a pack of oatmeal because by 9:30 my stomach is louder than my conscious, the ring on my left hand reminds me that my children didn’t get breakfast! My poor babies! They could be at school as hungry as I am right now. How could they think on an empty stomach? I personally don’t work well when I’m hungry, why would I expect them to. I look at the ring. Do I have time, would I make the time to have breakfast with my children at home? Would my kids only have home-cooked breakfasts on Saturday or Sunday mornings? Like seriously, would I carelessly allow my kids to be reared on Pop-tarts and the unequivocally-good, yet nutritionally-lacking Toaster Strudel? I laugh out loud at the thought knowing full well I’d probably limit the poor chaps to Pop-Tarts each day because even those can be conveniently eaten in the car without much fuss. They don’t require heating like the strudels do. ** It’s amazing how quickly something like toasting a Toaster Strudel can seem too time-consuming when you have backpacks, barettes, homework, & carseats to consider each morning! If I intend to make Mother-of-the-Year at some point in my life what rationale could I come up with having never fed my children before school?
I scarf down the oatmeal, get back to work. This project is definitely not going well. The married life is looking dismal at this point and its only lunch time.
In my workplace, like others, most people only eat out on PAYDAY FRIDAYS. It’s an exception to the typical lunch bag routine. Well, I went to lunch that day. It wasn’t a Friday, I hadn’t gotten paid and I still went out to lunch. I spent $7.63 and stressed about that receipt all the way back to work. What did my children eat at school today? Heck, we were rushing this morning. I didn’t make breakfast let alone pack a lunch for them. What kind of mother was that? Who’s responsible for lunch money these days anyway? Would they remind me when the money was due? Today was not Payday Friday. I went out to eat…and ate well mind you. Could my family afford for me to eat out whenever I wanted? Was I being selfishly irresponsible? It was seven dollars, but that could really add up in the long run…..
All day I twisted that ring. All day I wondered about my kids being at school. What my husband would be doing at work. If his day was going well. Would the kids do well on their assignments? Were they paying attention? Misbehaving? How many times did the teacher have to tell her to be quiet, she talks in class, just like me…
All day I worried. Focused on my children. They were real for the moment. They were humans that I had to responsibly turn into adults. I was tired already after a few hours of “parenting” and they only lived in my imagination.
After a discussion with my supervisor about some changes that I needed to make on a analysis I was given, I sat down and began to log into my work computer. Looking at my hands, the ring reminding me of what I do everyday. This job. This career. This paycheck.
You see, I make enough money for me. More than enough actually. But do I make enough for my married lifestyle? Can we afford daycare? School clothes? Intramural sports and activities? How do our bills look? What are we saving? Do we budget at our house?…
I’m all over the place. Feeling less and less secure about my married life. Can I handle my side of the scale/ my portion of the responsibilities? or…
Would I need a promotion immediately if I had other lives to accommodate? Would my children expect Mommie’s career to be more than what it is today? Would they be disappointed in me if I was never promoted? How can I encourage my children to pursue their dreams if I haven’t accomplished mine? I have to do well here. I have to be better at work. I mean, I’m married right? I’m a part of a plan that’s bigger than me. Would my husband expect for me to progressively get better every year. To always have job growth? Isn’t a Proverbs 31 woman supposed to be beneficial? She’s supposed to be added-value (ref. Prov. 31: 11-13, 16-19). What value am I adding here? To my family, To my household?… and where things stand today with my ring finger getting heavier by the minute, Is my job, my career, is what I’m doing enough?
[to be continued…..]