Coolness Deferred

 

You know I used to be cool.

I did what I wanted to do. No excuses. No explanations . it was all a matter of personal preference. I’d just do me.

But that was then.

I live differently now.

 

It wasn’t until Saturday night while hanging with my cousin that I realized how UN-cool I’ve become.

 “I’m sorry, Krystal, but you’re whack” she says. I’m sitting next to her ,  on my momma’s couch, a Direct TV movie playing in the background.

“Excuse me,” I asked her, I can’t believe she said that.

“Well, you are,” she replied, unhesitant. Blatantly laughing in my face.

My sister’s in the kitchen acting like the AMEN CORNER… “yeah, you are kinda whack” she parrots.

“What’d you say?”  I yell towards the kitchen, challenging her.

“I didn’t stutter…,” she replies matter-of-factly.  She doesn’t even look up from what she’s doing.

My feelings are hurt, but I play it off.

 “I’m whack?…” I suck my teeth. “Whatever….” I whisper. I say it more to myself than the two of them.

So of course, we argue. Talked all about about the nuances of me. All the boring ways of Krystal.  As I defend myself, I hear the UN-COOLness simply seeping out of my current existence.

Eventually, I let the subject drop. Knowing full well, that she was right. I’m one of the whackest people that she knows. And with good reason, I guess.

As I went to sleep that night, I considered the things I used to do. Thought  about all the mess I used to get into just for the sake of having something to do. My teenage and early-20s exploits that got me into a whole heep ‘a trouble as old folks say. You know, all those messy,random decisions and choices that eventually led to nothingness. A real waste of time in hindsight. Yeah, I had plenty of those moments back In my dayz of COOL…..

 

See, I used to advocate for a team that:

Kept on the tightest, shortest, most-revealing thing I could squeeze my DD, sz 6, pretty brown frame into.

I used to advocate for a team that:

Knew having unmarried sex was better than NOT having any at all… even if that man was YOURS… or somebody else’s.

I used to advocate for a team that:

Thought popping off was essential if you just KNEW you were right! IGNORANCE isn’t cool and as long as you get your point across, that’s all that matters anyway.

 

I used to think that lying was okay; especially if  you were protecting the feelings of someone else.

I used to think that God was going to be merciful no matter what mess I got caught up in.. isn’t that was a merciful God was for? I could just do what I wanted to now, live how I want to now, say what I want to say now, do WHO and WHAT I want to now.. then just repent later…

 

I used to say, what PEOPLE don’t know wouldn’t hurt them.

I used to think, as long as people perceived me as a good girl.. then that was COOL. Every cool chick knows how UNcool it is to have your biz-ness out in the street.

Grow women keep to themselves. Grown women handle their own. Grown women maintain.

 

I used to think that I was too smart to get caught up.

I used to think that I was too COOL to be played.

I used to think that I was too HONEST to ever be lied to.

I used to think that I was always 1-step ahead. Always walking in the right direction, always making the right decisions.  But soon enough I had to check my ingredients b/c I found that I overdosed on THE COOL! (LupeF.)

 

All my COOLNESS eventually led to a bunch of mess. In a nutshell, my life was full of stress, credit card debt,  weight-gain, hurt feelings/pride, poor job satisfaction,  less-than-pleasing living, mediocre relationships with my family and friends and altogether very little happiness. I was tired, angry, pissed off, and unsettled all the time. I eventually used a man to pacify and make amends for everything that didn’t seem right; and all my coolness eventually led to  a sexually-transmitted disease as well. With all my volunteering at TeenLine and feasibility studies on HIV/AIDS, and Catawba Care Testing events.. I found myself COOL enough to contract a STD. It humbled me—BIG TIME. It came to a point where I realized that all my coolness had me very self-indulgent, very naïve, very un-knowledgeable, and ignorant of truth. With all my unhealthy habits and behaviors, I was living a patterned life that wasn’t clear to anyone other than those who were in the COOL rat race with me. It was the blind leading the blind if there ever was. (Matt. 15:14). I quickly tired of it all.  So, I chose to find something MORE than COOL to be about… b/c  truth be told my old COOL life definitely was not IT!

 

My life 5+ years ago made no sense to people who had elevated lives. People who lived with a higher purpose. Those whose perceptions weren’t cloudy with COOL like mine. I wanted a new perspective…

It took me a while to realize that all the messing around I was doing was getting me nowhere. With the guys, the jobs, the clothes, the shoes, the “friends”… it all had benefited nothing. I felt distant from anything GENUINE. It felt like wasted years lived. And to be honest.. in all my COOLNESS—though I wasn’t bad off like some would think and as busy as ever—I still wanted MORE. My COOLness only brought me empty pursuits. Faulty, temporary moments of security. It was fruitless in the end. I wanted REAL experiences. Real GROWTH. REAL RELATIONSHIPS that mattered. I wanted to be BETTER than I had been. I wanted to be accountable to something/someone BIGGER THAN ME. So I did an about-face. Sitting in church 3 weeks after my gyno visit, I  repented for a bunch of craziness that I had done. I chose to give up what I was doing to pursue what GOD called me TO DO! Yeah, I chose JESUS CHRIST.. again… but I meant it this time.

I simply figured: me living out my purpose ASAP was probably the COOLEST option out there. Who spends 80 years wasting away in COOLNESS and never finding their purpose. I didn’t want to be that girl. I wanted a life worthy of a biography one day. I wanted my life to mean something. People don’t write books about people that don’t change the lives of others. And all the mess that I had done thus far, was nothing worthy of writing down. It didn’t matter to me, and most-definitely didn’t matter to God.  I figured the only way I could really be of use is to let GOD USE ME. As my creator, what better way to live by-design. There are too many people living lives that they weren’t built for, very similar to the one that I had been living. Just wasting time existing out-of-order. That’s like a book never being read, or a car never being driven, paint never being used to create something beautiful—It’s all a waste if we don’t ever DO what we were designed to. The realization made sense to me. After this simple revelation all I wanted was sincerity. I wanted Truth. I could be honest with myself, honest with GOD. I wanted everything around me to be just like that. No fluff, no mess, easy-breezy, tell-it-like-it-is Truth. I wanted anything BUT ambiguity. God was clear. He wasn’t circumstantial like everything else i knew. I decided it mattered more what he thought of me rather than what everyone else did, so, I walked away from the COOL….

No, to this day, I’m not perfect. I still have a long way to go, but I hunger after what’s right. I crave to know more about God’s design for me. How he wants it done. When you’re COOL you focus on becoming your own standard of greatness.. or what the world considers a standard of greatness. Now, I focus more on what GOD says I should become. The standard of greatness he’s set before me.

In my mind, if all the ways of GOD are higher than our ways…and it’s his STANDARDs that he’s given me that somehow make me UN-Cool to my cousin and the rest of whoever… I guess being UN-COOL is my new M.O.

 As whack as I am right now, I’ve learned that:

Life  has nothing to do with how amazing your body is.

it has  nothing to do with your ability to turn somebody out… or have some dude all caught up on what you put on him that one night you two got up.

Your ability to grind, twerk, pop, or even dutty wine is irrelevant when you’re dancing for the  right reasons.

Having a good network is not about how many dudes’ numbers you have in your phone if you can’t/don’t know how to call THE ONE who matters most.

My work is no longer about getting money, buying cars, clothes, homes to perpetrate at a STUNTFEST that only you and other façading COOL folks attend.  Its about sowing into the kingdom, investing time in the lives of others, tithing, serving, and growing in faith and knowledge of God.

I’m advocating for a team now that says the new, un-COOL life I live now has a much greater reward than what I ever reaped  back in my COOL days…..

Un-Coolness is knowing that regardless of how much money I make or don’t make.. all my needs are met according to HIS riches in glory thru Christ Jesus (Phil 4:19).

Un-Coolness is owing no man nothing , but love (still working being debt free tho!:P) (Rom. 13:8)

Un-Coolness is understanding that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13) and I am more than a conqueror (Rom. 8:37). It’s just what we UN-cool people do!

Un-Coolness is being able to say I’ll pray for you after you’ve asked me to and being able to go BLAMELESS to the throne on your behalf. (Its quite ironic that my UNCOOLNESS is probably the very reason you asked me to pray for you  in the first place!  How often do you ask your homies you smoke/drink/ club with to pray for you when things are awry. Naw, they’re too cool for that, of course! )

Un-Coolness is having the life experiences to know that MAN will never be faithful to his word like GOD always is (Heb. 10:23)

Un-Coolness is accepting the fact that I don’t have to be ashamed of my yester-years of foolishness. God wants me Free. He wants me Unburdened and Unbound (Gal. 5:1).

Un-Coolness is waiting patiently in SINGLENESS…not simply busying myself for the sake of having something to do.

Un-Coolness is maintaining responsible stewardship over all that he gives me (Luke 12:42).

Un-Coolness is knowing the right way to encourage someone who needs it.

Un-Coolness is being able to serve someone else with love in your heart (Gal. 5:13).

Un-Coolness is knowing that you have an “army of angels” fighting with you whenever  you face the enemy’s front line (2Kings 6:15-17). I’m never alone in this. My TEAM, though UN-COOL by many wordly standards, well, WE ALWAYS WIN!

See, being Un-cool does have its perks! The only drawback is.. you can’t focus on the COOLness of this world, and still get the perks of the UNCOOL existence in Christ. You have to pick a side. Every man [or woman] must choose… eventually.

Now, my cousin wasn’t trying to be mean. She was stating what she thought to be fact. And though we often disagree on most things I think I’m in agreement with this particular evaluation:

KRYSTAL is WHACK.

I rather be the boring cousin who doesn’t get invited to parties and get-togethers because its not really my cup of tea [as she often explains]. If those social events don’t support where I am today, then they aren’t for the UN-cool likes of me!  In hindsight, it means a lot to me that she see my change. It matters that she realizes I’m not that girl anymore.  It means that my [whack] living .. my new preferred, UN-COOL lifestyle is clear. There is no gray in where I am. She knows that I’ve chosen which team I’d prefer to play on, Coolness-be-darned!

Ultimately, I guess I am whack, corny, and  UN-cool as some would say, but in my opinion, I’m well on my way to a level of UN-COOL that’s just right in the eyes of God.

If being UNCOOL keeps me out of trouble, if it keeps me focused, if it keeps me on the path to righteousness, better living, better worship, better/closer/honest prayer-life… if it keeps me humbled, modest, truthful, pure in spirit..

if UNCOOLness puts me in the place where GOD would have me .. a place elevated higher than anyplace I could ever reach on my own “COOLness” barometer… well, UNCOOL I”ll BE!

Its funny too because I know if I do it right (with the help of GOD), eventually others, like my darling cousin, will earnestly desire to be as just UN-COOL as I am one day.

We’ll see how it goes….

Thanks for reading!

uncool

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