The Good Guy: “Gideon”
This good guy, whom I’ll refer to as “Gideon” is an amazing spiritual accountability partner. He challenges me on biblical principles, he prays with me; He is always overly considerate and mindful of how I feel and what my needs may be. I think because he is older and very settled he is somewhat intolerant of change and variety. He seems to be a good father, provider, just a good guy altogether. He’s caring, sensitive, and very emotionally available. On black and white, with all things equal: he’s perfect!… But that’s in theory.
Reality is [in my opinion]: sometimes he’s too nice. Sometimes he makes so many considerations that it leads to indecisiveness. Sometimes he drives me nuts because in all this hesitancy I feel like he lacks the self confidence to lead me. Even deciding when to call me back can take an additional 30 minutes of talk time because he “doesn’t want to interrupt what I may be doing later”.
I call him Gideon because like his namesake he questions more than he quests. Sometimes in dating relationships a woman wants immediate action. She doesn’t want loads of questions and inferences. Keep her confident in you. She wants to know that you’ve got things covered.
Sometimes I don’t want to know what you cried about. Sometimes “I don’t know” is not the correct answer. I know, I know, I’m sabotaging every woman’s “ideal” image of a good man, but in reality when you get Mr. Sensitive having him is not all it’s cracked up to be.
I love the story of Gideon because it shows how God can be glorified in even the most dismal situations. In the Bible Gideon is shown as the consummate underdog. The story of his triumph shows how there is POWER in our WEAKNESS as Christians. I laugh at Gideon when reading the book of Judges because God always has to pressure Gideon to act! When God calls Gideon to overtake the Midianites that have been oppressing Gideon’s people for years , God has to repeatedly confirm to Gideon that as his Lord, he will protect him in this victory. The story shows how there were several doubtful and worriesome objections from Gideon. The Angel of God provides rebuttal after rebuttal to entice Gideon to accept the call. Even when Gideon finally concedes, the Lord still gives him an out. God is very sensitive to Gideon’s fears of failure. He tells him “if you’re [still] scared [even after all I’ve told you, after all I’ve promised to you] “go with Purah thy servant down to the host”. God Gives Gideon a riding buddy—a support system so he won’t be alone when he overtakes the Midianite camp. Its almost as if God knows that the fear is so deep within Gideon’s spirit that he will only go thru with the plan if he’s with someone else. God makes it easier for Gideon find the nerve and courage to follow through.
Of course there’s so much more of Gideon’s story that I haven’t covered, but his hesitancy reminds me of the “good guy” in my life right now. He always has to be encouraged , he has to be persuaded to act. Just recently I challenge this good guy to be a bit more direct. To pursue me harder. To be less hum-drum in his approach. One evening I casually asked him if this is what he calls “pursuing me”. His mouth gawked, with his brows ruffled he paused for a long time. Then responded with: “well, if you have to ask me….”
His voice trailed off; he looked down at his hands.
I’m thinking: Okay, dude, again, you’re not meeting my eyes. Again, I’m pulling MORE than you’re willing to give. I’m pushing you in a direction that you as a man don’t want to walk ahead of me in. I look at him, envisioning Gideon going to get another fleece to lay on the ground “just to be sure, Lord. Just to be sure” (ref Judges 6:36-40). In my head, I say to myself: Eve, pull back. Don’t pressure him to do more than he’s doing. Maybe this is how he does things. Slow and steady wins the race in his opinion. Step aside and let him lead.
But let’s be real, what woman in her right mind would follow your lead if you’re leading with your head hanging down. Yes, I know full well that the Eve in me is getting out of control. [Isn’t “independence and self-reliance” the very thing that got the original Eve in trouble?] But the truth is: Why should a woman have to ask that question? Why don’t I know what your intentions are? Are you worried about being rejected? Well, women have some of the same fears as well. But reality is—I don’t want to always know how unconfident you are. Fears are a part of everyone’s life. I know this. I appreciate this. We’ve talked about his fears. His fear of Failure, Hurt, Rejection. It is why he’s such a Gideon-type. Regardless of what I say, or what he says, he always chooses to take the “safer” route. In my opinion he always takes Purah as a safeguard (ref: Judges 7:10) because of undue fear in his heart. and it’s no mirage at all. In my opinion this good guy really is afraid.
I wonder about men (and women too) who live in fear that subdues them. How does one not understand that is the power that worketh in us that makes us conquerors. How do we live in questioning hesitant fear instead of letting the declared “might” that God gave us be our driving force?
When I’m out with this Good Guy I try to always play up his ego. I tell him that he’s awesome. I say to him the things I like about him as confidence boosters, but this Gideon hates the direct push for him to fight. He is very conservative and shy. The confidence isn’t there romantically so I figure he needs proof that he will prevail. Regardless of the many confirmations, he seems intent on relishing in the fear of the unknown instead of just conquering what’s set before him. As a woman, I don’t want to be the stronger party of the two. And he’s no fighter, just like Gideon. And I don’t mean in just brute or strength either! I can appreciate the physical strength of a man on any level, but when it comes to mental ferociousness and a desire to be headstrong, he refuses to even have a “heated discussion” with me. This Good Guy will cop out before he ever [mentally] strong arms me. He says he hates debating! Kinda like Gideon tearing down the alter of Baal in the darkness because he was too afraid to do so in the daylight. It was his fear of others that made him tear it down on the low. But doesn’t every woman want a man to be bold enough to just run through and tear down some stuff that he knows is not right? And be bold enough to do it during the day? Hasn’t God called men to that task? This Good Guy, like Gideon, just doesn’t realize he’s built for any counterattack he may face (even if it’s me that is counterattacking). He prefers to shirk back behind the darkness of the night, or hide in the bushes with Purah so he can eavesdrop on the other soldiers in camp. Yep, that’s what I said—God gave him victory and instead of busting the Midianite camp wide open he’s hiding in the bushes with his servant.
I told him that I felt like we were more “spiritual accountability partners”. I told him that I feel like we hang out” more than anything. But even in our “hanging out” he will try to hold my hand. On several occasions, he’s gone in for a kiss. But its in these moments that I am completely lost. Its his “ROMANCE” that catches me off guard. I’m thrown for a loop because I don’t know where these “affectionate moments” come from. Who said that sitting in a vehicle with you constitutes a romantic interlude? Is eating yogurt considered an aphrodisiac? Even when I bring up affection and the physicality of it being displayed there is like a 3-day delay on the effect of this type of communication. Days later, we’re going for a walk and I’m suddenly the worlds stickiest woman and he can’t keep his hands off of me! Now, don’t’ get me wrong, I’m flattered by his affections, I’m into hand holding, and soft touches, and oogly- googley-eyes but they seem so inconsistent. I’m not necessarily asking for more, but if you cannot even define what we are, why should you be behaving as if we are in fact “SOMEthing”. This physical affection from him is very HOT or COLD instead of a tepidly consistent flow of displayed desire. I mean, what’s a girl to do? When I’m with him I spend more time thinking about where he thinks we are instead of just enjoying where we actually may be. I’m guessing this is the way Purah felt heading down to the Midian camp that night. The army’s already established, God gave us victory, we’ve come all this way, and now you’re telling me we’re just here to eavesdrop? “Oh, okay Gideon.. whatever you say….”
And yes, I’ve tried the DTR talk. On several occasions, its gotten me nowhere. I dunno, maybe its me. Maybe I’m too headstrong. Maybe I’m too insensitive to really appreciate a Good Guy for what he can bring to the table. I know he’s praying. I know that because Jesus is Lord over every aspect of his life, he’s been praying concerning me. It just baffles me that sometimes he seems so intent on “answers” that I wish I could get him outside of himself sometimes. He has so much on his mind that I seem to get in the way of his own thoughts. We’ll be having a conversation and I’ll realize that it’s not really me that he’s talking to. It’s more of a discussion with his fears, his concerns, his worries…
I’m just there as a sounding board….
As a woman who tries to get understanding from the word of God, I fully expect God to do the Gideon thing. I often tell my Good Guy that he’s amazing. I tell him that he’s mighty. I verbally encourage him because in my mind he needs it. I feel like he has to know he’s courageous before he begins to act courageously. But this can eventually become counterproductive if he “fakes bravado” initially and never acts with courage. Gideon talked a lot of junk in the bible. He threatened a lot. Eventually he did follow thru with those threats, but it was never immediate. Never Right then and THERE. As a woman I keep waiting to be assured that this Good Guy can take care of the both of us if something “pops off”. I watch to see how much action is taking place. He can “talk a good game” but when it comes down to it how valiant are you being? How courageous are you? What woman wants to be the one having to pay attention to the scene just in case things get ugly. I don’t want to always be “on alert” because I know of the two of us, I’m the quicker one! That’s out of order in my opinion. and truth be told, if I already see myself of the stronger of the two, Gideon or not, there’s no way I’d ever be able to fully let you lead me… no matter how earnestly I desire to be led.
In my opinion, there is a manner in which I am willing to follow. If we’re heading into the Midianite camp to get all that God has promised, I refuse to be the woman hiding and waiting outside a tent with you to eavesdrop on the army we’re supposed to be attacking. I say lets get pull a “JOSHUA” and just get to it. Hiding in the bushes has never been my thing!