So, Last night I was hungry for talk-time. Having a typical “woman-like-moment” I wanted him to communicate with me. And since we both make things rather plain I told him early on: “hey, we have been passing time on the phone lately, but we definitely haven’t been talking.” He agreed. So last night, I pulled. Last night I told him “I have questions”. He groaned. He tugged opposite my direction. He said I should have been trying to relax not question him. Less than 2 minutes later the conversation was over. I went to sleep and he did whatever he does in the dead of night.
When I awoke I felt so badly I started questioning God why I desired him so much. Since he’s a non-believer what am I expecting to gain from this friendship? Why can’t I just walk away from him.. especially when I know this isn’t pleasing to God. And our friendship is not as simple as I’ve made it seem. It never is….
I like him. Point Blank. Period. I don’t know why, but I do. It may be the newness of it. It may be the raw, un-bridled way he talks to me about his living, however ungodly it may be. And truth be told, I don’t know why it pushes me towards him so. I want him in the worst of ways.. and no, its not physical. Its not about SEX. For some reason, I want to be the one he wants to talk to . I want to be the person he gets [emotionally] raw with. (which is almost “more threatening” than it just being a physical-thing).
So far, he’s been amicable. He’s slightly inquisitive of me.. but we never ‘pass Go’ in his world. He says he’s opening up, but I’m sure what he’s given me (as far as verbal communication) is merely the tip of the iceburg. I want to get to know more of him.
I lied in bed this morning, kinda praying, kinda thinking, kinda questioning and it kept coming to me: This man isn’t saved. This man doesn’t love God. This man is not who God has for you…. Why do you even care? I turn over. I struggle with it….
I tell myself that its his words. I tell myself his honesty is refreshing to me. I hunger for disillusioned TRUTH even when it hasn’t been introduced yet to GODLY TRUTH. I want to be his friend. Its me that wants this friendship, but who am I fooling? What am I willing to sacrifice so that I can say that I’ve learned more of him? What information do I need to have that badly from him that I’d become mis-guided in my search for knowledge of him? Am I trying to lead him to Christ? Am I disciple-ing? Or am I simply using his talk-time as a spring board into something else? Am I purposeful in this friendship… and if so how do I define the purpose so as to not LOSE in the end? I want us both to win.
But does that mean I need to simply walk away….?
Our worlds collided two weeks ago… and suddenly I’m already feeling like I’m in way over my head.
I remind myself that I don’ t have to know everything. Some things, some people God wants you to be ignorant of.
Like Eve, sometimes getting more knowledge leads to death. There’s a reason why God advises us the way he does. There’s a reason why he tells me NOT TO EAT OF THIS TREE!
Heck, I’m not starving either… There’s plenty out there to satisfy.
Eve, I tell myself as I get out of bed this morning: just go eat someplace else!
Thanks for reading!