Sometimes it’s the people closest to you that make you feel terrible about who you are.
I was having a conversation with someone who has known me all my life and they revealed that they felt we had a very unhealthy relationship. While we may argue more frequently than most, I never would have imagined that this person felt that way. Never in a million years!! Nevertheless, as this disheartening conversation continued on, It was revealed that I have such a dis-connect in all my relationships that I may also need therapy assistance regarding the poor life progress that I have made. He said that after years of no progress, I should be questioning how/why that is. According to this person, my life has been in limbo for about 10years. No progress, no growth. No beneficial relationships. Nothing.
“A woman has things she is a part of. A woman has things she is responsible for…”
and for me, according to him, that is not the case.
I started defending myself. My defense got nowhere because “having a man” became the litmus test. And the world knows “having a man” hasn’t been the focus for me. Not now, not ever. It just hasn’t.
He says since my relationship with him was unhealthy he can imagine how unhealthy all my other relationships are. Again, I defended to no avail. He then me asked what I felt was my healthiest relationship. It didn’t take long to respond. There was only one answer that came to mind…my relationship with God. And as I sit now and think about how quickly God received my “healthy” vote, I think it may be because He loves me even in my broken, un-healthy state. While I may never be good enough to appease the likes of said person, I wonder should I be living in order to do so? Should ensuring that this person’s perspective of me maintains the “healthiest” levels of respect, honor, esteem, and love be the forerunner to everything else? What makes this perspective priority?
I think it’s hard to satisfy all the external and internal desires of someone else. I think doing so leaves no room to be authentic and real because their gratification and approval becomes all that matters. Even if I were to try, how would I accomplish such a feat?
How does someone ensure that every relationship is never lacking? Can anyone say that none of their relationships have ever faced a point of unhealthiness or discontent?
Even as I type, I can imagine God going down our relationship-memory-lane and noticing moments when I was unpleasing. Moments when I wasn’t what I should have been. Moments when I wasn’t the ME He needed me to be. He has seen me in my most-unhealthy state, and loves me still.
True, there is room for improvement. Like this person close to me, God Almighty, the judge and juror, probably feels I need therapy. He probably also thinks the sessions should have started ages ago. I will go. I will improve. I will try to fix the broken-ness that is so apparent to everyone else but me. In the meantime, I am grateful that God is waiting. I am grateful that improving my relationship with Him will also help me improve my relationship with this person. I cannot be the salt that has no flavor. I cannot be a lit lamp that is covered by a clay jar. That helps no one. If this person feels I have had no healthy relationships…..it would be difficult to progress in the one that we share.
So I apologized to him. I told him that I loved him. That was all I could say. I hope that I can show God’s love through and through as I get better. As God prunes the vines that are unfruitful. As God continues to tailor his POIEMA….
Pray for me please, I was told that I have a long way to go…