June 1, 2016
Tonight is proving to be challenging.
After loads of frustration in getting two inspiration sandals, I decided not to show up 30 minutes late for bible study. Changing my Wednesday night plans, I picked up 3 honey butter croissants from Cheddars, a BK Whopper Jr. and jumped back on the interstate. Locked at 88mph with my front windows down, Pandora was the only thing that could get me out of my head. By the time I pulled up at my apartment 45 minutes later, with my Grown & Sexy station blasting in my ear, I’m maxed out and my feet hurt. I had kicked off my PSS heels after I ordered at the drive-thru and slow jammed my way down I-435. Unhurriedly I get out of the car, feeling like crap because the Whopper Jr. sitting in my belly reminds me that I’m supposed to be watching what I eat.
My heaviness & discomfort reminding me: Today was a FAIL.
My eating…Along with other things.
I go inside, turn on my table lamp, and grab the box of “Goodbye Grams” from my FD Family. Each time I read these handwritten cards they make me cry. Tonight was no different.
After about the 15th card, I feel lonelier than ever. And not so much lonely in the way of missing family and friends, but the SINGLENESS FACTOR is rearing its ugly head.
Again, I’m pretty sure my Pandora station is adding to my internal alarms going off tonight, but instead of eating more, or turning on the TV and watching yet another episode of Baby Daddy… I sit and wonder why I don’t have a person. Forget relationship status, I am not ready for the work that a relationship requires. But I don’t even have one..let me repeat ONE decent number in my phone that I can call when I want to talk.
I laugh at the absurdity of it all. In a way, I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t have a him that’s so readily available. A him that really wants to hear about my day. A him that doesn’t drive me crazy with inconsistencies…A he that I am not too afraid to show my ever-increasing vulnerabilities. A he that cares.
Then I think: Eve, there was one… but you pushed him away.
I think about him more. I grab my phone, but hesitate, wondering if I should call.
Knowing that if I dialed his number He’d answer my call out of respect. He’d take the call because he is just that type of guy. A considerate one. A guy who doesn’t hold grudges. The type to act as if he is not frustrated by my selfishness. The type to say I don’t drive him crazy in my own oddly consistent Krystal-way. If I called he would answer. The more I think on it, the less encouraged I am.
I shake my head at the irony of it all. The irony of him being the one person I’d think to call and yet he is the very person who should probably NEVER take calls from me. I don’t deserve him or the grace I know he’d show.
I put my phone down. I start talking to God instead. Wondering why I am the way I am. Why my own critical nature lends itself to finding solace and comfort in solitude.
Except on nights like this.
Tonight I would want to pick up the phone and share today’s events. Tonight I’d want to have my back rubbed in silence or appreciate the quiet of a shared space that doesn’t require evening chatter. Tonight I’d love to be able to look across the top of my laptop, with the soft lighting on my patio creating shadows that are safe in this caged space, have Daley’s Alone Together softly playing from inside; I’d love to look up from the screen, my own form of daily de-briefing, and catch a glance that only He could give.
But see, tonight is proving to be somewhat challenging.
Love the honesty and authenticity of the emotions and self-awareness of the feelings. Sometimes it just one of those nights……