That Pivotal Moment…

I used to wonder what made people really get fed up enough to make drastic changes. After this morning, I think I’m beginning to understand…

I HATE/ABHOR/DETEST not being able to “fit” something. It drives me crazy! If you know anything about me, you know I cannot stand owning something and not being able to actually “use” it. Or in this case, WEAR it! Like most women, I like to look good in what I wear, but more importantly, I like to FEEL GOOD in what I wear.

So, to make a long story short:

I got up an hour before I was supposed to leave for church.

I took a shower. (10 mins)

I moisturized. (5 mins)

I conditioned my hair/oiled my scalp/clipped my frizzed hair extensions. (10 mins)

and got dressed (25 mins).

I was ready to move! It’s exactly 8:40, church starts at 9:30 so I need to be in the car.

I open the door, and the heat slapped me in the face. As I walk to the car, my back is letting me know how tragic this is going to be. It’s too hot for this dress. I need something without a lining. I need on sandals and not these platform pumps.

I pull my car up to my front door, jump out, and run back inside. My expectation is to grab another dress, slide into it, and be on my merry way. I can make on time today, I think to myself as I kick the pumps off and pull the dress I’m wearing over my head.  ***Note: I am usually late to church. The hour drive never gets any shorter, so when I’m late I am REALLY LATE. And today could have been different. Today could have been great, except…. I hit a speed bump that I couldn’t get pass.

I go into the closet, grab another dress. I pull it over my head. I do a little “shimmy” and slide the hem down over my waist.

Walking over to my shoe area, I decide on an old black strappy sandal.  I haven’t even zipped the dress, but the sandals will take more work.  So, I’m sliding into the shoe, bending over to buckle the tiny straps, and reminding myself that I need to change these earrings.

I run back to the closet, grab earrings and stand in front of the mirror. Shoot, I’m unzipped. I throw the earrings down, grab the friggin’ zipper and realize this is a complete FAIL!! I’m fighting with this dress. Sucking in, twisting, turning. The zipper is fighting back. Maybe I need to change my bra. I pull the dress off and grab another one.  I’m in the dress again,working at getting it zipped up. OMG! It shouldn’t take this much; There is no way this dress is too small. And this doggone zipper pull tab is too short for me to really grip it. I’m sweating so hard its ridiculous!! I check the clock; I’ve been back in the house for 10 mins!! What is taking me so long…???

I try to lean to the opposing side. FAIL.

I try to pinch the teeth of the zipper with one hand, and drag the pull tab with the other. FAIL.

Nothing is working. I’m in the dress. I have the dress on. What is going on this morning?

I’m angry. I’m sweating. I pull the bottom hem of the dress above my hips. I’m hot and frustrated. My inner thighs and my lower back revealing how much effort I’m putting into maneuvering this zipper up. Yes, I’m sweating!! 🙂 It’s a side zipper anyway, why would this be hard? I used to wear the heck out of this dress!!! Krystal, seriously what’s going on? I just can’t deal.

I focus on getting the hook and eye closure together. It’s a no-go. It’s under my armpit, so it’s hard to do it alone!  I’m just not winning! I go to the bathroom. I’m sweating profusely. It’s making me mad too! I wipe my forehead off and take a deep breath. Trying to calm myself because I’m pretty much late now. I wipe under my boobs. Yes, I sweat there too!  I look in the mirror and try to be encouraging. It doesn’t happen. I’m a little disappointed. Why do I even own this dress if I cannot fit it. I wore this dress a year ago. I know I did.

I pretty much rotate my wardrobe every 6 months. I do a spring and a winter cleanout/overhaul. I’ve been doing it for over 10 years. Twice a year I get rid of anything that I know doesn’t fit well. I try on everything and decide what to donate, what to give to my younger cousins, and what to trash. I shouldn’t have anything that is too small. I’m looking in the mirror. I’m upset because at this point reality is hurting my little feelings. I have always told others: I don’t care how much weight I gain, as long as I can fit into my clothes, I’m fine.

Well this morning: I AM NOT FINE!!

I am 30 mins late (which means I’m not going to church). I decide to go to the gym instead. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge… and notice how empty my fridge is. Eating out is a part of the problem! That’s why you can’t fit the dress!

I have to get serious about taking better care of myself. I don’t want to fall apart in my 30’s. And if I’m going to be an “older” mommy, then I really do have all the reason in the world to try to maintain my body as best as possible.  I took the dress off I shook my head sadly as I hung back up in my closet. You see, I hate “goal clothes”.  (Goal clothes= the clothes  people “save” because they will one day eventually lose enough weight to get back into them, but they continue to buy larger sizes so the goal clothes just become things they hoard! Ugh, I know, just depressing. I vowed I would never hoard like that.  But I’m not getting rid of this dress.

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So, this is the pivotal moment.

This is the culmination of saying I’ll do better, but never actually doing anything!

 

This is Day 1.

I will wear this dress… soon!