If you are sensitive to unfiltered TRUTH.
DO NOT READ THIS.
I woke up this morning in a panic. I always do. I face so much anxiety that I don’t know how to handle it. You see, I am 31 years old and have never known the joy of the Lord. PEACE is fleeting and I worry that I’ll never experience it long-term. I worry that just living my life, day-to-day, is such a distraction that oftentimes I do wish I was ready for heaven. I wish God would wrap this thing up. I wonder why God has me here. What’s left for me to accomplish?
Sometimes I feel I am wrong…in pretty much everything.
I feel like I have the wrong job, the wrong friends, the wrong house, the wrong clothes, the wrong body…the wrong attitudes about life, relationships, my faith.
There are moments like this one where my level of paranoia regarding my displacement leaves me crying and distressed.
It sounds depressing. It reads like depression. I’m pretty sure I am depressed. I keep trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing. Surely God would let me know by now. I keep trudging through this existence, but I’m definitely not living it.
Even now my stomach pains me when I think about 30 more years of this. I’m tired every day. Each day there is no energy to get the things done I need to get done, but I know on the surface I have no reason to be exhausted. I don’t work that hard on my job. I don’t have kids to think about. My family fends for themselves. I have the luxury to be able to travel, shop, socialize, take a class, get a new hobby… but I don’t. Every day I sit and wonder what’s wrong? Krystal, why do you feel so out-of-order?
Have you ever tried so hard to do things right that the more you try to get better it seems like you get farther and farther from right-ness? The more I talk to God I feel like I’m farther and farther away from Him these days. And that’s the exact opposite of what’s supposed to be happening. The Bible says the more you talk to God, He will draw nearer to you. My heart hurts sometimes from feeling like he isn’t present; I get the feeling like He isn’t there for me. In my mind, I feel singular and small. In my mind I feel abandoned as if I have to figure out the unknowns on my own. But my spirit knows that’s a lie. My spirit knows God does not abandon those he loves. God knows how often I worry. He knows that my smile covers up so many unanswered questions and concerns. He knows my smile covers up my fears of failure, disappointment, and inadequacy. Yet, my spirit knows what the TRUTH is.
The problem I’m having is that my spirit is WEAK.
Right now, my spirit is not strong enough to check and direct all the rest of me.
As a result, I wake up each day in a panic. As a result, I find every excuse not to do anything. Because my spirit is weak, I cannot hear the voice of God directing me to do anything. I am in an uncomfortable holding pattern. Until I get stronger, the next move is on PAUSE.
Unfiltered & Unashamed,
K.DeMarie (aka Eve Un-yoked)