I’ve been so laxed in writing that I owe you all 4 postings!!! The titles have already been decided, but it’s the text that’s been delayed. I know, I know…I’m far too old to be so inconsistent.
Either way.. here’s where we are:
I’ve been casually seeing someone for a little over a month now and have been less-than-impressed with how things have been going. He’s a very nice guy… “a man-of-GOD”.. and one who I think is genuinely interested in me. So you’d think he’d be a hopeful, right? Well, not really. I have been praying for God to show me what he’d have me see in terms of a relationship with this man and I’ve been finding that as I watch, very patiently, mind you—his words don’t align with his behavior. Because of this contradiction, I’ve been on the fence about how I’d been feeling regarding him in my future. Last week I was given what I’ve deemed true confirmation that he is NOT THE ONE, but again [the lonely, Christian single woman whines]—I could always be wrong!
To make a long story short, he invited me to go on a camping trip. The details had not been sorted, no specific dates planned, but camping is something that he thinks I’d enjoy doing. Okay, camping. Something new, different; I’m good with that. After he mentions it again last week, I inquire for more details.
Me: So, Yeah, I’d love to go campingI But who else is going…
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Well, if we go camping, who else will be there? It can’t just be the two of us…
Him: What you mean? Why not?
Me: I mean, we need more people.
Him: More people? [in a frustrated voice]
Me: yes..[sigh] More people! I would be more comfortable if someone else was going.. like a group.. or my sister or somebody..
Him: umm….your sister? Why does anyone else have to be there. We’d be good just the two of us.
Me: [I roll my eyes] Dude, how many does your tent sleep?
Him: Only two.
ME: …well, you’ll have to bring an extra tent. One for you and one for my sister and I.
Him: Look, your sister can go, but if she brings someone, like a date or something, I’m not sleeping in a tent with another dude. That’s just not happening. Why are you tripping about just the two of us going camping? What does it matter?
Me: [in my firm, no-nonsense sister soldier voice]Truthfully—as a woman who’s been given the chance to get to know you, I don’t think you can handle it. Neither one of us can, really. And as much as you love to touch me now and be up-close and personal, there is no way you could handle waking up at 3am with me laying beside you all snuggly in a sleeping bag, sexy as I wanna be… and you really be able to handle that. I wouldn’t even set myself up to be that kind of tease. Its just not happening.
He gets quiet. I know he’s frustrated. But what’s a girl to do? How do I explain that I too am frustrated in having to explain this to him.
He knows my vow I’ve made. He knows where I stand. He knows that I am always very particular b/c I know how sensitive I’ve become over the years. I think satan purposefully tries to tear me down in the smallest way imaginable. These days I’ve found the simplest touch to be challenging and I have to direct my mind appropriately during these moments. I have to deny my flesh and ask GOD to strengthen me, everyday. Its crazy sometimes. Actually its crazy most times! By nature we are physical beings. I crave physical contact in the most carnal sense. But that’s my outer man gaining power, isn’t it? I know that I’m designed appropriately. God created me along with the desires that are within me. My desires are earnest and they will be met in due time. I will wait. I’ve promised to do so. But its been too long.. far too long, and though I’ve maintained thus far, why should I allow the devil to sneak in and have me fall? Why even make room for him?
I ask my “friend” why do we even have to have this conversation. How is it that he is a “man-of-GOD” who says that he’s intune with the holy spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues..and I still have to clearly explain to him why we can not.. why I will not go camping alone with him in the wilderness? I mean, really, should I have to point out what’s wrong with that picture? I expressed my concerns to him by pointing out that as a man, he should want me to always feel secure with him. To trust his intentions.. and the fact that I don’t..(based solely on prior experience with this gentleman! Yes, he’s tried me yall, more than once!) is reason enough for him to proceed with caution where I’m concerned, if he still thinks that God is directing him towards me.
Though I talked through this situation with this particular gentleman, I still don’t believe that he understood what it was that I was saying. He constantly emphasized that he understood what I meant, he knew where I was coming from. But I lashed back in my typical Krystal fashion: There’s no way that you understand. If you did, I wouldn’t have to explain to you the problem with us camping one-on-one. I would think that you’d be able to properly discern the issue with that. (Low blow, I know, but he always tells me that since I don’t SPEAK IN TONGUES, I’m not tapped in like I should be. So instead of walking in love, I spoke in anger! Yeah, yeah, I’ll apologize later b/c I know better than to mock the power of the spirit.) 🙂
All week, I’ve been back and forth a bit upset because I knew he thought that I’d over-reacted. I know he thinks “she’s young”. “She’s not ready for a man like me”. And I’ve heard this before. I’ve had men say the infamous rapper T.I.’s famous line: “youse a grown woman, not a lil’ girl”…. in a vain attempt to persuade me to follow their intended course of action. And bottom line: a CHRISTIAN MAN is always a MAN first. But in this situation he was more MAN than all else! I even talked to a gentleman in the bookstore Wednesday night who explained to me that women by nature are more relational and emotional beings (meaning that we are validated by our relationships we have with people), and men by nature are my physical and logical beings (meaning that they are validated by a more logical thought process and respond more to their physical self.)
But I challenge this theory. I’d say that women are equally, if not more responsive when it comes to physical desire. That’s right! I said it– all women are sensitized to the utmost. And any woman less than 50 years of age that tells you she’s not, is probably just being modest. In our cases, I’d say we have a tendency to downplay our desires or simply overlook our physical responsiveness to men. Again backing up the generalized, popular view of the nature of a woman, I’d say that if she is physically attracted to someone, but the relational aspect is not there, then she won’t act on her physical desires. (Ladies, we all know men we’ve met who are physically attractive, but their attitude blows!) And of course, the ladies of standards that we are, we’d never “bless” someone who was so undeserving of our goodies! That’s just the nature of being a woman. And no, I’m not saying that women don’t sleep with jerks, because many of us do! In those circumstances when she’s given the cookie to someone she thinks is a jerk, she has mercifully decided that his attitude isn’t that bad, and she’ll overlook it for the time being. She gives in to her desires and welcomes physical contact from him. And in most cases the opposite also applies: if the “JERK-itude” out-weighs her level of attractiveness for this man, then she won’t act on that attraction. She’ll simply just miss out, because hey, this guys is just too much of a jerk–why bother. So essentially, Its not that women are NOT as physically sensitized as our male counterparts, its just not a definitive enough reason for women to further engage in a physical manner.
Anyway, the gentleman in the bookstore was in full support of my friend. He made it seem as though my ‘friend’ got a pass for simply “being A MAN”. He’s telling me: “c’mon, you know how men are! You know every man is going to test you to see how far he can go.” “That’s what we do! That’s just the nature of being a man!” I’m thinking: his nature? Whatever. Women are sexual creatures too! Even more so, As far as I’m concerned, he gets no pass from me. I’m not overlooking his blunder. Why should I? Inthe eyes of God he gets no pass. The accountability has already been established. Why test waters that you know you’re not supposed to be near?
My cousin once heard in a sermon that “GOD IS NOT PARTIULARLY INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE”. I took it to mean that He doesn’t want you constantly testing yourself just for the fun of it. Trying to see just how much temptation you can stand before you break down and give in. God doesn’t play those kinds of games, satan does. There is a part in Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis that explains that better path to hell is the gradual one. Again, since Screwtape is lead demon in this satirical novel, he’s personifying the devil’s attitude that as [we] give in to his guiles bit-by-bit , inch-by-inch, by engaging in things that don’t really seem that bad, one day we will look back and be so far from God that we won’t have realized how far away we’d really gotten.
A truth for me is that I struggle with celibacy. It’s one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do. I refuse to have to apologize—again– for not holding up my end of the deal. For not keeping my word, Its not fair to our relationship—mine and God’s.
But in this moment, I’ve decided that I cannot ask God to help me if I’m not willing to help myself. I don’t know if a husband is around the corner. I don’t know what will happen next week, next month.. or next year.. But God has confirmed the manner in which I should behave while I wait on him. And setting myself up to fail on an innocent little camping trip, is not a challenge I’d like to enter into. I can just imagine how it’d be: me snuggled cozily in a sleeping bag, gorgeous starry skies, the heaviness of night surrounding us, the smell of the lake, the stillness of the water interrupted by the charming sound of nature (grasshoppers, frogs, insects in thier elements), a thick black man in his own sleeping bag… less than an arm’s length away… whispering sweet nothings in my ear! LOL! Chile please… BooBoo the fool does not live here! 🙂
Am I going camping on Mountain Island? I have no idea. I’d like to, But at the end of the day, I’d hate to be in the wilderness—celebrating in sin—and miss out on the PROMISE [land] of a husband and children because I was so caught up in the call of nature!
Stay Safe Ladies! And Keep Smiling!